And we're live in 5...

Signing on…

 

People drift. That’s just the way it its. But what isn’t always verbalized is how incredibly complicated things get. Sure it’s always different from case to case but my theory is that there’s always a critical level of awkward acceptance of the situation that is common to all relationships gone awkward. It’s the kind of acceptance of each other (and each other’s faults) that doesn’t sit well with you but you have to accept it. What’s to accept? They way you are now.

 

Chemistry

 

People change all the time. Not to contradict my year old “people don’t change” post… but it’s really more people grow if anything else. What was true about them before is most likely still true now but throw in all the other things about them they’ve discovered or developed and you have a completely new mix. Mix of what? Emotions, defense mechanisms, attitudes, hang-ups, insecurities, quirks… the list goes on..

 

My theory is that when people become friends... the chemistry is such that all the elements are right. Put you and your friend in an equation and you’ll get friendship. I hated chem in high school but a shout has to go out to my chem Teacher who managed to teach me one thing about chem equations: throw any one new element in on one side and the other side will ultimately be different.

 

So let’s apply it to the people grow analogy to friendships. Throw one new element in on your part, add your friend and eventually that equals something else. Naturally it could be stronger friendship on the other side of the equation if you two realize you have more in common or to bond about. But if bad stuff gets added (attitude problem, distance) or old stuff gets removed (bonding points)… that’s when people drift. This applies to just about any kind of relationship.

 

The problem

 

So let’s say elements are flying every which way and when the smoke clears you’ve got something completely different. If all of a sudden you have nothing to say because you like different things, that’s fine. You don’t have to be exactly alike to appreciate each other. Then again let’s say that they (or you) start developing quirks or attitudes that don’t sit well in general with anyone who’s involved. In theory you’re supposed to talk about it but in this country… or in most societies… the last person to know about how annoying somebody is… is that person.

 

Sad but true. Sometimes (or most of the time) people aren’t frank enough to tell you straight to your face what it is about you that gets to them… especially your friends. Of course good friends bring it up eventually… usually if they really can’t stand it anymore and are beyond the notion that you’re just going through a phase. Even then that isn’t the real problem. Big stuff like drug addiction, alcoholism all the way to sleeping around too much or being in a destructive relationship are bound to come up. The real problem comes with the little things you don’t like about a person that pile up and make you realize that one day you aren’t just fond of this person anymore. Sometimes… you might even end up hating them.

 

That’s right. Eventually, if too many little things “not worth bringing up” bother you over a concentrated period of time, it’s bound  to wear away on you relationship. Going back to chem analogies (my what a nerdy post this is turning out to be), it’s radioactive decay.  

 

Confrontation has a subconscious undertow

 

So where does it all go wrong? Right about the time you decide to not bring things up. And why wouldn’t you? Simple. It’ll complicate things. It’s half being polite and half not wanting to stir anything up any more than necessary. You’re probably thinking at the moment that well… this is how that person is now. People aren’t notorious for being in the habit of changing people. The truth remains is that changing a person or asking them to change isn’t just something we do immediately in this culture. You gotta wait till you’re about to explode before anything gets said. Not that I’m not guilty of this but it’s a reality that being up front isn’t first priority. It’s being polite. It’s making sure you don’t hurt people’s feelings. So to keep from hurting anyone… you shut up.

 

Confrontation implies bringing up a topic that may or may not sit well with the confrontee. They’ll either feel bad (thus prompting you to feel bad that you made them feel bad) or they’ll raise hell. As some of us know, hell can be raised in seventeen jillion different ways. Anything from totally denying your claim and making you the bad guy all the way to all out war (cold or otherwise). So on the one hand, the confronter has not saying a word and suffering in silence or on the other hand, facing all the implications a confrontation entails.

 

But here’s the subconscious kicker: sometimes you don’t wanna tell a person what’s wrong with what’s going on because it’s hard enough admitting to yourself that things have changed… let alone defining the situation with words. When you can’t deal with how things have changed… even before you decide to do anything about the conflict, subconsciously you’re already thinking “why is this happening, why can’t we get along as well as we used to, it’s not fair they don’t accept me or understand anymore, it’s not fair they don’t think much of me when they used to…” the list goes on and on.

 

Then every negative subconscious thought, fear and what-have-you gets balled up into this knot of anxiety that ultimately affects you’re train of thought. All of a sudden you’re aloof, or they are… all of a sudden you don’t know exactly what to do or say to connect with these people the way you used to. You may pull off a decent conversation but you’ll know the feeling is different. You will feel the tension. There will be some awkwardness… and if it hits critical levels… you’ll end up either exploding… or keeping it all inside until you do…

 

For old time’s sake

 

There’s always a thread of something to hold on to. There’s always a history to remember so as to offset any ill will or awkwardness between people who seem to have grown apart. It’s true that parts that fit before don’t fit as well as they used to now but still there’s always the memory of when things were good that keep people special in your book no matter how much you’ve drifted. Sure it isn’t the same now but it was great then… and back then you needed that relationship so you could get to where you should be now. Doesn’t help that you’ve become so different, but it helps when you remember how it used to be.

 

All of a sudden “for old time’s sake makes sense”. Growing up and hearing it everywhere from TV to movies I had no idea what it meant do anything for old times sake. But “old times” are sometimes all the good you’ll have left with people. Times that were once sacred and endless to you. So powerful that no matter how things don’t fit now… you’ll do all you can to make them fit at the right time when it’s called for ‘cause of “old times”. If those times were powerful enough, you’ll do just about anything for their sake. That’s the only consolation when people drift. They remain precious to you no matter how far apart time has driven you. Honor that at least though I’m not saying it’s easy.

 

I for one admit I haven’t always been there as much as I should have been for people. And since people define love and friendship differently… it’s only fair if you’ve tried to make things work in the only ways you know how and let the rest fall to where it should.

 

Signing off…

 

Signing on…

Summer theatre workshop classes are quite an experience. It takes a certain amount of talent, willingness, love for the stage and insanity that prepares you for whatever it’s got coming. Anyone who’s ever taken Rep or Trumpets will know there’s nothing quite like the experience of devoting a summer of your life to a production.

But we all know about the cast parties, the bonding moments, friends you’ll love forever… all the fun hangin’ out stuff that workshop is all about. But in the spirit of subtext , this is a little tribute to all the little things that complete the workshop experience but are never really paid attention to or mentioned out loud. Little nuances of the whole workshop experience that make workshoppers have a whole sub-culture of their own.

Like Running out of Clothes. Whether you’re fashion conscious or just fashion impaired, unless you own a closet the size of Manhattan, by the second week of workshop you’re bound to wear something you’ve already worn to class. Face it, this is a country where school uniforms pretty much take up majority of our wear-age (at least for the high school kids). When the summer hits and you have to be out every day or every other day for class, sure you can be hip and classy on some days but sooner or later you’re gonna repeat outfits or end up mixing and matching stuff you already wore. It’s kinda part of the bonding process because favorite shirts get worn more than once for the summer, shoes, tops, pants… all that jazz. And you get some kind of insight into a person based on the kinds of clothes they wear.

One other unmentioned but very frequent workshop element is the workshopper you all love to hate. That’s right gossip mongers, there’s one in every bunch (sometimes more and woe to that class) but we never tell it straight to their faces… we never tell them to step off and stop being annoying to the rest of us… nope. None of that. What we do is be annoyed individually, take careful note of each annoying thing they do… scan around the room to see if you’re the only one feeling this way ‘cause if you are, that kinda makes you the bad guy. And horrors to that thought?! Here’s someone that seems to disturb your inner peace by being themselves and yet nobody else wants to throw them off Shangri-La’s 7th floor balcony? Fortunately, in due time workshoppers start talking about the class to break the ice and “views are shared”. In other words, you all end up first being polite about that person and end up saying you wanna drill holes into their head with a sledgehammer every time they do their thing. Tapos buong summer niyo na paplastikin yung tao. Galing ng subtext no? Out loud: Oh hi (fill in name)! Sa loob oob mo: P*t#ng In@ M$! Mamatay ka sana! L*che! Ahh the joys of theatre…

A tragic subtext of workshop that sometimes happens is that a fringe group forms. Just the people on the edge of the main core that never really insight any ill feelings, heck they can even be super talented but just can’t seem to gel with the rest of the group. It could happen to anybody. If ever you know what this is like, you know that the summer ain’t exactly gonna be as fun for you as it is for everybody else hanging out and doing stuff but you kinda know full well that if the crowd were your kind, you’d be laughin’ at the same jokes right there and then. And for those of you who’ve usually been with the core and are relatively nice people, you always try reachin’ out to them folk who sit by themselves during breaks to make sure everyone’s bonded. Kinda one of those do unto others things. You’d wanna at least be acknowledged if ever you end up not too big on the bonding with your class. Deaf ear or outstretched hand, the fringe will almost always sometimes turn up.

Moving on, as this is a “class”, there are a lot of class elements that are really kinda taken for granted or ignored. Like scary teachers and homework. These two kinda go hand in hand most often because homework only becomes an issue if the teacher that gives ‘em out is scary. Hehe… if you’re teacher is most likely to scream at you for not talking load enough, you know you better be prepared for some reckoning if you don’t memorize the three page monologues she sends you home with. But if the teacher’s all fun and relaxation… you’re most likely to show up memorizing less than a third of your piece calling “line” out to anyone with a copy in the audience every now and again for five minutes. It’s still a class where you learn so there’s really that homework factor. We all know it can happen, we take workshop anyway and get bummed or stressed or annoyed when we get it. It’s an initial reaction. I mean 8 to 9 months of school where they cram schoolwork down you throat… everybody knows that builds some kind of aversion to homework in general. It’s just hating it on principle so no worries… workshop will ALWAYS be more fun than school anytime any day.

But you know what kinda sucks the fun out of workshop? A really bad showcase piece. I mean think about it, you’re gonna slave away for the better part of the summer on a show you really have to find ways to enjoy? What’s that about?! Workshop’s supposed to help you spread your wings and take that love for theatre a couple of notches deeper and you end up doing “Mr. WooWoo and his traveling band of vacuum cleaner salesmen”!? You’re only saving grace is a talented director who knows what he or she is doing. Otherwise, you can do Saigon, or Les Mis, or heck even RENT and still end up putting on fake smiles and muttering under your breath. A good workshop teacher can take a really boring piece and not only make it fun to put on, but fun to watch as well. People with impeccable taste and enormous amounts of creativity. Throw an equally talented and creative musical director and you’ve got yourself a SIDESHO…. Errm… Great Show.


There are tons of other little things that make workshop what it is that we don’t always pay attention to. Like finding spots in the mall to hang out in or terrorize. Let’s face it, after class, you’re all squatters and you know it. Just some 25-odd students lookin’ for a place to bum. And what about the actual show day itself? Nobody really has time to whine or gripe about the costumes or costume changes. No time to say you hate leucoplast for being annoying when it sticks and hating it more when you sweat too much and it comes off. For those who don’t have permanent lapels, lapel traffic can be murder especially if you have way too many costumes and exits. Thanks to the stress, no one in their right mind will complain about the stage/venue adjustments on the day itself because hello?! Show starts in 3 hours! And when the show does start, people are freakin’, singing their songs backstage, trying to peek out the curtains from the wings… the whole cast becomes this gigantic mass of nerves, hugs and reassurances… and experience worth having. And eventually when you go out there, no self-respecting workshop class doesn’t have screamers in the audience. Kids and friends from other classes of now and then that just can’t help but scream out your name when your solo comes up or when the lights go out. And at the curtain call? PANDEMONIUM. Trumpets is still pretty tame compared to Rep. In trumpets the crowd goes crazy, all praise and go this, go that. Rep workshop audiences drown out the stage at every step of the way. The parents never see it coming. Ah, the good old days….

You see, all we immediately remember are the showcase, the bondingand the friends we made. Not the little things that give you stuff to bond over after the show. We sorta end up relishing the finished product but forget exactly when people started texting each other and hangin’ out as a group. Little thigns like that that lead to the bigger picture… it’s like being part of the chorus. Sure people rememebr the leads and their songs but the chorus help paint the whole picture. Without the chorus the play suddenly becomes a concert. The flavor becomes concentrated or bland. Without these little things, your workshop experience might as well have been lived vicariously from a book.

So for all you workshoppers there, if ever you do look at your closet, try to remember which was your favorite shirt to wear to class… look through pictures or watch the videos and remember the other thigns that colored the summer. Bloopers, people, places… Shang… haha. The whole nine yards. It’ll so make you miss the summer…

Signing off

Signing on...

Sometimes, people don't dream enough anymore. Too much of it will kill you sure but I mean serious, innocent dreaming. For most of us, gone are the days when we could hope against hope that we'd get what we want. Now we think twice, burned form past mistakes, consoling ourselves by saying we've learned more when all that really did was make us careful. Good thing? Perhaps. But deep inside we still sorta want those things we never got.

Anybody remember the days you thought the world was the best ever place in the world? Then all of a sudden you realize how incredibly wrong and stupid you've been… and the moment you think you're smarter… (if it was actually humanly possible.. and it was) you realize you've been dumber than ever and have to relearn the SAME DUMB OLD LESSONS you should've learned in the first place! It's like you thought everythign was fine and you end up being lulled into some false sense of "alright-ness" and then reality comes crashing back down and not only rubs it in that you were wrong again, but that you also took a few steps back. If that ain't enough to kill dreaming, I don't know what is. Either way, we may lose the stomach to pursue what we wanted, but that doesn't always mean we want it any less deep inside. Outside forces say we can't so we're faced with an instantaneous choice: hold on like crazy or "let go".
And how do we "let go"? Sometimes we tell ourselves we don't need what we really want. Have any of you ever told yourself you never needed something cause you can’t have it… by know you know I don’t mean “sour grape-ing” at the mall. I mean big things you know you might never have. Sometimes the one thing you tell yourself you don’t need is exactly what you want and you’re just dealing with not being able to get it.
It’s kind of a neat trick. Your mind tells you that you don’t need or want something and gives you the cleanest cut reasons why. These reasons just fall outta your mouth like anything the moment people ask you about ‘em. And isn’t it true that everything that’s just way too real is never really mentioned too much? And the only times things are “oversaid”, are when the things are either being obsessed over… or what you keep saying more to yourself than to anyone else so it becomes a lot more real than it really is.
There’s just something about what you can’t have that drives you nuts. It’s kinda the source of all your pain and denial. To cope with the paradox of you’re wanting something so bad and not getting it you end up saying you never needed it or wanted it.

So here we are, puttering about, fighting the "good fight" not really knowing where all of this is going cause hey! Once a long time ago we knew what we wanted and now that we can't get the whole package… we're settling for what we can get instead. Gone are the "naïve dreams". All we have left is the practicality that will ensure our future. All of a sudden we become smarter, ore productive individuals knowing "better". But really, are we living better? Sure you aren't dying everyday, and yeah life's "easier" but do you seriously feel alive playing safe? Unless playing safe is your passion the rest of us "dream" and idealism junkies are gonna end up bored to death.

This is in no way masochism. This is about finding what matters to you and taking what you can if you know you want it. It's accepting that you might never get what you want but you'd rather die living and believing in it than live ignoring it… how it shaped you… how it formed you. The last real entry talked about how people never change… this is part of that. Who you are is sometimes what you want and in this case… some of us out there actually still dream. Underneath all the changes, what you want hasn't changed either 'cause it's always been part of you. You've either forgotten, been discouraged, or haven't found what it is about you that drives you to where you think you ought to be. For those of us who dream… it's our dreams that tell us what we want our purpose in the world to be. But not that we know things aren't that simple we live knowing the rules can change anytime and we don't always get the chance to re-write time. So where do we go from here? Will things ever get better?

For now I'd like to say they can be if you've found the things that matter… things that won't change or are a blessing in the face of the countless dreams lost and broken.. things you never necessarily asked for but got anyway… pleasant surprises in a world where you can lose everything and go on living having nothing. Memories you keep, friends you run to, things you've gone through that seriously defined you as a person… hell, even hope. And not just the "light at the end of the tunnel hope". I mean the hope that makes you believe in something again. The hope that after you fall flat on your face and stop believing makes you believe there's something else out there for you beyond what you've lost. I pray you all find that in your lives… cause right now we're in the thick of it… one of the bigger storms we've yet to encounter... at least for us. "Us" being the collective circle I am proud to be part of. Heads up kiddies, the storms here and it ain't gonna let up until we break or whether it. You guys are my hope. Especially the "freakier" lot of you. and thanks to that, I know I'll be standing when this is over. We will have our days in the sun. I'll be ready… I'm just hoping you'll be ready to take that chance when it comes.

Signing off…

signing on...

The Dante's Inferno Test has banished you to the Seventh Level of Hell!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:

Level	Score
Purgatory (Repenting Believers)	High
Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers)	Low
Level 2 (Lustful)	Low
Level 3 (Gluttonous)	High
Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious)	Moderate
Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy)	Moderate
Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics)	Very Low
Level 7 (Violent)	High
Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers)	High
Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous)	Low

Take the Dante's Inferno Hell Test

and you wonder why i scored high on the gluttony... btw, there's this question there that asked "some ppl just deserve to die, true or false?". Just for fun i wrote true... guess that might explain the circle of violence... hehe. that and the violent video games...

signing off...

Signing on…

Do things really change? Do things stay the same? One thing’s for sure, People do stay the same. When people “change” they’re either trying something new out or some part of them got brought out for some reason. A bazilion intellectual disciplines will tell you in one form or another that you can’t make something from nothing and that nothing can make/produce anything that’s not of itself. So if your girlfriend suddenly becomes crankier than usual or your boyfriend suddenly grows a soft spot… that didn’t come outta nowhere. That was just some part of them waiting to get out/up.

You see it’s the core of the person that never changes. The deep inside part of you that will always be the source of everything you are and do… will be and will do… Some people call it your soul… others your spirit, your personality… your character… all these words kinda point to the same place but never fully describe it.

The way I see it, people are like places. You start out with some plain kind of ground that gets built upon as time goes by. Experiences shatter some buildings where icons are held dear… your heart (wherever it is) can be all dressed up and have various occupants that come and go depending on how often you love or fall in love… whatever happens, no matter how many buildings go up or down… the ground that they’re built on… that’s what’s not going to change. People remain the same underneath it all. The hitch? What part of a person are you connected to?

Ever wonder why there are some people you haven’t seen in ages and it feels like you just saw ‘em yesterday? And there are some people you see almost everyday but have not the slightest clue what to say to them? Or why friends drift apart? Humble experience from yours truly have more often than not found a connection between these things and the way people really connect.

There’s surface level connection, where the most immediate circumstances and outside forces make people get along. We’re talking standing in line, telling someone they dropped something… it’s all very impersonal. It’s like classmates you make nice with but never really wanna hang out with when school’s out cuz you have nothing to talk about and the only things that connect you are school and everything about it. It can be work, clubs… whatever. If it's on the surface, chances are these people don’t really make a dent in your life.

Then there are those that do make a dent but only cuz you love the same things. Your all in theatre and that brings you together? Great! You love the same music? The same sports? The next level of connection is unity. There’s a cause you support and since you’re all there for it, you’re all there together by choice. Cast mates you love from plays you’ve had so much fun doing, teammates from some sport or project… all well and good and will give you loads to tell your fat grandchildren about the glory days you and your activist friends “immortalized” by rallying outside some building somewhere. But take that cause away, that little icon building and some of those people actually won’t matter as much in your life. The excuse? It was fun while it lasted… fun while it was there… but your were there not for each other.. you were there for a cause. Not a bad thing but these aren’t the people you run to when it gets cold, dark and annoyingly lonesome.

So who to turn to? Who made it to the ground state of your unchanging being? As in take away the icons, take away the buildings and causes and events…. Who’s left? Who else?. The people whom you’ve touched as deeply as well.

These are the friends you choose. The people you wanna love or just do right off the bat. It’s kind of a mutual thing. The deepest form of connection is at the core… if what makes you the person you are jives completely with some other person… that’s for life. All the events, and teams, and causes and institutions will pass you by but you guys are gonna be the same towards each other no matter what. Sometimes you meet people that just strike some resonant chord in you and you both end up “singing the same tune” that you both thought you’d been singing all by yourself the whole time… that’s when you start to love them. And that ain’t ever going away.

Why? Simple. If you love the unchanging part of someone, your reason for loving them won’t go away because those reasons are based on something that will not change. That’s why there are friends you can’t get enough of.. that’s why it hurts when people don’t see you the way you see them.. and my personal favorite “that’s why”:

“That’s why if you fall in love with someone on that level, you never stop loving them. Your reasons for loving them won’t go away because you have come to accept and love the unchanging parts of them. Who they are. Who they’ll always be underneath it all”

That having been said… for now I leave you with this… it may never go away but it fades… it all fades if you let it… especially if you help it along. that’s the best we can have so far kids… anybody who’s ever really honest about loving people for real will know what this means… if you loved somebody for the wrong reasons you’ll figure that out. If you loved somebody for the right reasons.. good for you. But if you just love someone for all they are… pleasant luck wishing yourself out of denial land if you refuse to leave. Either way it’s been quite a trip, this last entry… kinda makes you wonder what kind of thinking I’ve been doing lately. Hehe. Well rest assured those who really know me will figure it’s just been the “same old” for me. Think long and hard kids. If ever you’re still wondering what binds you to people… I hope this helped a bit…

Signing off….