mackysantiago

Signing on…

People drift. That’s just the way it its. But what isn’t always verbalized is how incredibly complicated things get. Sure it’s always different from case to case but my theory is that there’s always a critical level of awkward acceptance of the situation that is common to all relationships gone awkward. It’s the kind of acceptance of each other (and each other’s faults) that doesn’t sit well with you but you have to accept it. What’s to accept? They way you are now.

Chemistry

People change all the time. Not to contradict my year old “people don’t change” post… but it’s really more people grow if anything else. What was true about them before is most likely still true now but throw in all the other things about them they’ve discovered or developed and you have a completely new mix. Mix of what? Emotions, defense mechanisms, attitudes, hang-ups, insecurities, quirks… the list goes on..

My theory is that when people become friends... the chemistry is such that all the elements are right. Put you and your friend in an equation and you’ll get friendship. I hated chem in high school but a shout has to go out to my chem Teacher who managed to teach me one thing about chem equations: throw any one new element in on one side and the other side will ultimately be different.

So let’s apply it to the people grow analogy to friendships. Throw one new element in on your part, add your friend and eventually that equals something else. Naturally it could be stronger friendship on the other side of the equation if you two realize you have more in common or to bond about. But if bad stuff gets added (attitude problem, distance) or old stuff gets removed (bonding points)… that’s when people drift. This applies to just about any kind of relationship.

The problem

So let’s say elements are flying every which way and when the smoke clears you’ve got something completely different. If all of a sudden you have nothing to say because you like different things, that’s fine. You don’t have to be exactly alike to appreciate each other. Then again let’s say that they (or you) start developing quirks or attitudes that don’t sit well in general with anyone who’s involved. In theory you’re supposed to talk about it but in this country… or in most societies… the last person to know about how annoying somebody is… is that person.

Sad but true. Sometimes (or most of the time) people aren’t frank enough to tell you straight to your face what it is about you that gets to them… especially your friends. Of course good friends bring it up eventually… usually if they really can’t stand it anymore and are beyond the notion that you’re just going through a phase. Even then that isn’t the real problem. Big stuff like drug addiction, alcoholism all the way to sleeping around too much or being in a destructive relationship are bound to come up. The real problem comes with the little things you don’t like about a person that pile up and make you realize that one day you aren’t just fond of this person anymore. Sometimes… you might even end up hating them.

That’s right. Eventually, if too many little things “not worth bringing up” bother you over a concentrated period of time, it’s bound  to wear away on you relationship. Going back to chem analogies (my what a nerdy post this is turning out to be), it’s radioactive decay.  

Confrontation has a subconscious undertow

So where does it all go wrong? Right about the time you decide to not bring things up. And why wouldn’t you? Simple. It’ll complicate things. It’s half being polite and half not wanting to stir anything up any more than necessary. You’re probably thinking at the moment that well… this is how that person is now. People aren’t notorious for being in the habit of changing people. The truth remains is that changing a person or asking them to change isn’t just something we do immediately in this culture. You gotta wait till you’re about to explode before anything gets said. Not that I’m not guilty of this but it’s a reality that being up front isn’t first priority. It’s being polite. It’s making sure you don’t hurt people’s feelings. So to keep from hurting anyone… you shut up.

Confrontation implies bringing up a topic that may or may not sit well with the confrontee. They’ll either feel bad (thus prompting you to feel bad that you made them feel bad) or they’ll raise hell. As some of us know, hell can be raised in seventeen jillion different ways. Anything from totally denying your claim and making you the bad guy all the way to all out war (cold or otherwise). So on the one hand, the confronter has not saying a word and suffering in silence or on the other hand, facing all the implications a confrontation entails.

But here’s the subconscious kicker: sometimes you don’t wanna tell a person what’s wrong with what’s going on because it’s hard enough admitting to yourself that things have changed… let alone defining the situation with words. When you can’t deal with how things have changed… even before you decide to do anything about the conflict, subconsciously you’re already thinking “why is this happening, why can’t we get along as well as we used to, it’s not fair they don’t accept me or understand anymore, it’s not fair they don’t think much of me when they used to…” the list goes on and on.

Then every negative subconscious thought, fear and what-have-you gets balled up into this knot of anxiety that ultimately affects you’re train of thought. All of a sudden you’re aloof, or they are… all of a sudden you don’t know exactly what to do or say to connect with these people the way you used to. You may pull off a decent conversation but you’ll know the feeling is different. You will feel the tension. There will be some awkwardness… and if it hits critical levels… you’ll end up either exploding… or keeping it all inside until you do…

For old time’s sake

There’s always a thread of something to hold on to. There’s always a history to remember so as to offset any ill will or awkwardness between people who seem to have grown apart. It’s true that parts that fit before don’t fit as well as they used to now but still there’s always the memory of when things were good that keep people special in your book no matter how much you’ve drifted. Sure it isn’t the same now but it was great then… and back then you needed that relationship so you could get to where you should be now. Doesn’t help that you’ve become so different, but it helps when you remember how it used to be.

All of a sudden “for old time’s sake makes sense”. Growing up and hearing it everywhere from TV to movies I had no idea what it meant do anything for old times sake. But “old times” are sometimes all the good you’ll have left with people. Times that were once sacred and endless to you. So powerful that no matter how things don’t fit now… you’ll do all you can to make them fit at the right time when it’s called for ‘cause of “old times”. If those times were powerful enough, you’ll do just about anything for their sake. That’s the only consolation when people drift. They remain precious to you no matter how far apart time has driven you. Honor that at least though I’m not saying it’s easy.

I for one admit I haven’t always been there as much as I should have been for people. And since people define love and friendship differently… it’s only fair if you’ve tried to make things work in the only ways you know how and let the rest fall to where it should.

Signing off…